Friday, November 1, 2013

The Birth Story - Part 2

To start the induction they give me citotec.  A pill that they put "up there".  I'm only 1.5 cm dilated to start.  They give me a wireless monitor to track the baby's heart rate, and I start walking up and down the hallway.  After 10 minutes, a nurse comes running over and says that I need to stay in bed.  Apparently while walking around, your heart rate dropped.  I get in bed and just stare at the heart rate monitor (yours - not mine) and pray.

After several hours, I'm only 3 cm dilated.

Friday night @ 9:00 PM the doctors put a folley bulb in place to try and help me dilate more and as natural as possible.  Once in place, the bulb is inflated to 5 cm.  The idea is once it falls out, you're 5 cm dilated.  Easy - right?  The bulb didn't hurt but was awkward.  I'm still restricted to the bed.  Contractions get a little stronger but aren't difficult.  The bulb pops out on it's own when I go to the bathroom around 3:00 AM.

We continue to stare at the heart rate monitor... praying that you're okay.

I'm somewhat stalled at 5 cm, so Saturday morning the doctor decided to break my water to help encourage things along.  It wasn't a huge gush as many exclaim it to be.  But then again - my water was low to begin with.

Saturday early afternoon I'm 7 cm dilated and 90% effaced.  At this point I was feeling a lot of pressure and thought I had to be close.  NOPE!  Still a long ways to go.  I try to sleep between contractions.  Your father stays awake and stares at the heart rate monitor.

For a brief period I was allowed to get up from the bed and sit on an exercise ball.  It definitely seemed to help to rock and have your father put pressure on my back.  They put a mat down (which reminded me of a puppy pee pad) to keep the ball clean.  (Embarrassing note - I peed myself here multiple times.  I couldn't control it.)  After a few hours of laboring "naturally", I stood up from the ball to get back in bed (another deceleration of your heartrate) and the nurse noticed a spot of muconium on the mat.  This caused a great deal of concern to the medical staff.  She called the doctor who proceeded to tell us that there is now a concern over the muconium blocking the baby's airway and possibly choking.  We needed to administer pitocin and get you out ASAP.  I of course am scared out of my mind, agree to whatever she says, all in hope that you'll be okay.  Birth plan be damned - you had to be healthy.

The pitocin kicks in and the contractions severely intensify.  I try to labor through it as best I can but I was hyperventilating and felt like my heart was about to pop out of my chest.  There are several points throughout this where I'm convinced it's go time, it has to be, check me - I have to be 10 cm now.  But nope.  Still only 7.5 cm, or 8, or 8.5...

While sitting on the exercise ball, the doctor on staff comes running in and tells me to get back in bed immediately.  Again, your heart rate and dropped.  Now I'm confined to bed to deal with my contractions which were already excruciating. 

I eventually break down and tell the nurse to administer an epidural.  Well it's not that easy.  I had to be on an IV with fluids for 1 hour before I could get the epidural.  I freak out even more, as I already felt like I was at my breaking point.  I lay there and try to breath and count the seconds as they pass, trying to get to the epidural quicker.

Around 7 pm, the anesthesiologist enters the room and asks me to sit up and sit perfectly perfectly still as he gives me a "light" dose of the epidural.  Sit completely still for a minute and a half.  My contractions were one minute apart.  It was incredibly difficult to not move (I'm pretty sure I did a little).  Within minutes, I feel a sense of relief and my legs feel slightly numb.  The contractions are still there, but no longer insanely painful.  I take this chance to sleep, & your father watches the Orioles game.

Around 10 PM I wake up to the doctor wanting to check me.  She states that I'm 10 cm dilated, and we can start pushing soon.  The doctor advises me that they will call the NICU staff to have them on hand due to the muconium issue.  She assures me though that whenever they have to call them, the baby is born screaming.  And if the baby is screaming at birth - there is no blockage. They get the room all together and at 10:20 PM I start pushing.  The doctor said I was a great pusher.  Now I don't know if she says that to everyone, or if I genuinely was (and my squats weren't for nothing).  As you're crowning, and in between contractions, Dr. Abello comments on how much hair you have.  She asks your father "do you want me to braid it while we wait?" (we only pushed during contractions).  He responds with "I don't think we'll have time for that, but how a bout a mo-hawk?".  The doctor gives you a quick mo-hawk and we continue pushing.

At 10:47 PM on July 20th you are born screaming.  The NICU staff takes you immediately (my wish was to have you placed on my chest - but again, muconium...).  Dr Abello claims, "oh my god, she's huge! I'd guess 8 (lbs) 6 (oz)."  The NICU checks you out and everything is fine.  Your weight clocks in at 9 lbs 2 oz.  As they are cleaning you up, your father stayed by my side, as he was used to doing.  He hadn't left me for the past two days.  I tell him " go over there and be with your daughter!" It already killed me to not have you placed on my chest immediately and that my face wasn't the first one you'd ever see, so I wanted at least your father to be with you. (I still had to deliver the placenta and be stitched up. 2nd degree tear of my nether regions. Thanks kid ;) !)

After the nurses are certain that you're okay, they put you on my chest with your head in the nape of my neck.  It was surreal - I couldn't see you based on your position, nor could I move too well due to the stitching going on from my tear along with the epidural inhibiting movement of my legs.  But I had you in my arms.  This moving, screaming, warm little being laying on my chest was mine.  The peanut that I have had with me for the last 9.5 months in my belly, was now outside, and in my arms.  

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Birth Story - Part 1

So this may take a while to write out, since your labor was QUITE long (36 hours).  But here it goes...

We had an appointment the morning of Friday July 19th at 8 AM for a B.P.P. test.  It was one day after your due date, and the doctor suggested running this test just to make sure everything was okay with the baby.  BPP is a BioPhysical Profile test that checks 5 categories and each category you can score 2 points.  If you score 9 or 10, the baby is fine.  Go home.  If you score 7 or 8, they would have you come back the next day to check on things (depending on what you lost points in).  5 - 6, they would keep you there and induce.  Anything lower is an immediate emergency c-section.  The 5 categories are:

  • Nonstress test (monitors heart rate)
  • Breathing movement
  • Body movement
  • Muscle tone (seeing baby flex or extend)
  • Amniotic fluid volume
We arrived at Mercy for our appointment at 8, fully knowing that we could be held there to have a baby - but we just assumed everything was fine and we'd be sent home.  Everything throughout the entire pregnancy was going great - why would there be an issue now?  I forgot the Dr's RX to get the test done, and they didn't open for another few hours, but they were able to call the Dr on staff and get permission to administrator my test knowing I was past my due date.

We went back to the exam room where they hooked me up for the nonstress test and started the ultra sound for the remaining 4 categories.  Within a minute, the tech saw breathing movement, body movement, and muscle tone.  Passed those 3 with flying colors.  But she wasn't finding any good "pockets" of amniotic fluid...  They had a goal of 5 cm of fluid, minimum of 3 cm, but weren't even finding one of that size.  She said "let me go advise the doctor on staff, but you're most likely going to be induced today."  Your father and I looked at each other, and I started to cry.  I wanted to have that moment of "I think it's time honey! Get in the car!" with the rush to the hospital.  I wanted my body to start the labor process on it's own like it should.  I worried that it was something I did to make the fluid low and that it in any way shape or form hurt you. I wouldn't be getting the all natural experience I wanted.  I texted my mom to let her know that we were being induced.  Your father called his work to let them know he wouldn't be in.  Today was to be the day you were born (or so we thought...)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I promise to say "I love you"

Occasionally when I talk to your mom-mom (my mother), she forgets to say "I love you" when getting off the phone.  I always catch it and typically will remind her after she says "bye" that I love her.  She will reply back with an "I love you", and we get off the phone.

But every so often, I don't get the sentiment back. 

This evening I spoke with my mother on my way home from work, and this is how our conversation went:
Mom: "alright well I'll talk to you later."
Me: "sounds good.  I love you."
Mom: "bye"
Me: ".... Bye"
Mom: "bye"

(Yes she said 'bye' twice - she always has to have the last word. But that's a whole other diatribe.)

I try to give her the benefit of the doubt- she was watching you at the time so was probably preoccupied.  But it still bothers me.  What if that was the last time we ever spoke? I wouldn't have been reminded "I love you" that one last time.  Or reverse, she wouldn't have had the chance to tell her only child that she loves them.  I know the phrase's absence isn't intentional, but it still bothers me.

So I want to promise you that never in our lives together on earth, will you go a day without me telling you that I love you.   I've loved you since seeing seeing a little stick tell me that you existed, and I always will.

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”

Robert Munsch

Thursday, October 10, 2013


This past weekend I got my haircut for the first time in almost a year. I was too afraid while pregnant with you to get my haircut due to all the chemicals in the air at salons.  The haircut was a big change for me as I went with bangs, which I haven't had since middle school.  
And the end result:
Mind you, this "end result" was after hours of you pulling on it and spitting up on it. 

I've had my hair long for very long time...  back when I was young perhaps eight or nine I used to have a bowl cut and I hated it! it was so short and I think it traumatized me. I haven't been able to have my hair above my shoulders since.

Which I don't think you mind. you seem to enjoy pulling on my hair and grabbing it frequently.  It seems to be a source of comfort for you. sometimes when my hair is out of your reach, you'll reach back and grab your own hair.

You have a lot of hair. you were born with a lot of hair, and I'm surprised it hasn't fallen out yet.  As of now (and your 11 weeks old) it's about 2 inches long & straight Brown. It seems to be getting lighter as you get older, and when it's wet it's very curly. 

While I was in labor and you were crowning, the doctor exclaimed "wow, that's a lot of hair!" she turned to your father and asked "do you want me to braid it while we wait?" your father being the jokester that he is stated "I don't think we have time for that ... but how about a mohawk?" so she gave you a Mohawk while you were crowning :)

Well I think you have fallen asleep, so I'm going to close. 


Sunday, October 6, 2013

I don't want to say goodnight

I've changed your diaper so that it's doubled stuffed for overnight wear.  You have your pjs on (polka dot with a cupcake on the butt). You've been fed and are passed out on my lap.  But yet I just sit here.  I don't want to go lay you in your bassinet as that is an indicator of bed time and next thing I know, it'll be tomorrow.  And I have to leave you for 10.5 hours... I cried earlier today and am trying to be strong now, but I truly will be a mess tomorrow. 

I don't want to say goodnight.  I'm not ready to accept that I'll be away from you for so long.


Friday, October 4, 2013

Work, work, work señora

Sorry but I couldn't help but put in a Beetlejuice reference there ...

Today marks the last week day that I'll be home alone with you before returning to work. I took the full 12 weeks of maternity leave that I was allowed, and since you didn't show up for a week after I started to leave I've been with you almost constantly for 11 weeks. The longest that we have been apart so far was when I went to get a massage- I believe I was gone maybe 2 1/2 hours.  Tomorrow I have a hair appointment in which I think I'll be gone for three hours or so.

Going back to work is going to be hard but at least it's only for short time. I have to go back for at least one month for them to cover my benefits but after that I will be leaving and staying at home with you.  During that month my mom  ( your mom mom ) and your dad will be watching you.

But once I am home I will be working part-time for a friend of ours , just doing some general bookkeeping. it will pay just enough to cover our health insurance (you're under my coverage) and for my car payment. The rest of the bills will be covered by our savings, or your father will take over them, or they will just be charged.  It's a sacrifice that both your father and I have agreed upon so that I can be home with you, as opposed to you staying in a daycare all day. 

Fiscally it will be tough but I'm so happy you'll be raised by us and not by strangers at the daycare. I'll miss being able to take your father out to lunch, buying him little gifts , or even just grocery shopping without charging it would be nice. Perhaps after a few months and we get a routine, and then figure out how many hours a week this bookkeeping job will take me, perhaps I'll pick up one or two nights a week at Kohl's or some store to have some extra money.

My career will probably be shot in the long run, but you're worth it. 

But man oh man will this be a looong month.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


You slept for 8 1/2 hours straight last  night... 8 1/2!!!! You slept once before for 7, and 6 hours perhaps three times, but never ever 8 or more.  You stirred a few times, wiggling around and such. But your eyes were closed so I just rubbed your chest or head and you settled down. 

A typical night for you is 3 or 4 hours, then 3, then 2. I don't know if last night was a fluke, or if we found a magical night time mix, or if something has just clicked for you- but I'll take it!

I feel great having slept so much, except my boobs hurt like heck. :/ off to go pump.
I love these pajamas you're wearing

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

So I've been a little busy...

I saw an idea on Facebook about emailing your child different thoughts and feelings and giving them the email account when they turn 18.  I thought it was such a great idea and I remembered - wait a second don't I have a blog for that?

Oh yes, my poor neglected blog.

Obviously quite a bit has changed since my last entry you're here & you're perfect. Your birth was quite long and quite an adventure, but I need to take time to write out the whole story.

Currently you are curled up around me in the Boppy , nursing , and falling asleep. You're 10 1/2 weeks old.  I'm staring at your little face... you look more and more like me every day. when you were born, you looked a lot like your father.  That scared him tremendously, but I don't mind either way.  You have his blue  eyes (currently, it may change), your hair is brown and straight but when it's wet it gets very curly. I wonder what it's going to be like when you're older. 

Random thought to share with you- your father  hopes your taller then I am.  I'm an average height for a woman, and just an inch taller than my mom.  So personally I hope you're my height or an inch taller.  But not more than that.  Mommas childhood friend Randi always complains about being tall.  But looking at our family, the only tall female was my grandmother (your mom-mom's mother, Margie.  She passed away when mommy was in college), so odds are you'll either be short or average.

Well apparently we are fighting nap time... this is a photo of you right now:

Mommy has to go get ready. your Grammy is coming over today (Jean, your mothers fathers mother). So I'll Close for now, but I promise to be better about updating this.  mommy has an iPhone with voice recognition that types out what I say so it's easier to post. I also downloaded an app onto my phone, so no more excuses.  Only downside is that the voice recognition messes up words occasionally, and completely omits punctuation. I try to go back through and edit accordingly, but sometimes I miss things.  

Peanut I wish you'd take a nap.  Mommy has a lot of stuff to do before Grammy comes!

I love you...

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Wowzers... Skipped a few months

Oh my, where to begin... First off - know that I am horrible at keeping up a blog.  I've tried before and have failed, and it seems that this blog is getting just as neglected as my past ones.  The only time I have to truly work on a blog is at work, and I've been so busy here lately that I haven't had a chance to post (obviously - hence my 3.5 month absence).  I would update at home, but I feel that I get such little home time - that whenever I'm there I want to spend time with your the hubby.  But regardless, lot's to update...

First off - YOU'RE A GIRL!  We were very surprised and excited to hear this news.  We both truly thought you were a boy for some reason, but are overjoyed to hear that you tricked us and are actually a girl!  We threw a gender reveal party with a large group of family and friends (your great-grandparents skyped in, and aunt/great-cousin Laura facetimed in).  We cut into the cake, and when pulling the knife out the first time - nothing.  Did the 2nd cut, pulled the knife out - I saw a little bit of pink and amazed!  Knowing your gender has truly made the experience all the more real.

I started to feel you move the week before valentines day, and I felt your first KICK on valentines day.  I was sitting at my desk at work and felt this jab that made me jump.  I had to stop and think "what the heck was that?!?!".  But you haven't stopped moving since - and you're VERY active now (24 weeks - 25 as of tomorrow).

It was frustrating for a while because I could feel you moving up a storm for the longest time, and I'd grab your daddy's hand and put it where you were kicking.  He'd either not feel your movements, or you would stop all together.  It was so aggravating - I wanted him to experience this too!  But one night we were laying in bed, and he put his hand on my stomach, and WHAM you hit him.  He looked up at me with the biggest eyes and mouth agape and asked "was that her?!?!".  I assured him that was you, and now he thinks he's an expert because he stated "that felt more like a punch rather than a kick..." such a wise guy...  He only felt you once that night, but about a week or two later you kicked him good like 10 times in a row, and he just couldn't believe it.  He woke up one morning and put his hand on my belly very briefly just saying "good morning baby", and you kicked him almost instantly as if you were responding.

Your grandma and I have been working on the details for a baby shower, while your daddy and I have been working on a registry - picking out all your "first" things.  Very exciting and intimidating.

We've started taking a birthing class called "the bradley method" - which is focused on all natural childbirth without any medications or drugs.  We've been enjoying it so far, mostly to be around other pregnant couples going through the same things we are.

I'm trying to coordinate a job where I can work from home full time and be with you, so that you don't have to go to daycare.  But it's proving hard.  I thought my current company would be gung-ho, after I created a formal proposal on the idea - showing such "ambition and thought", but they somewhat have brushed it off stating that 'now is not a good time'.  So I'm giving them another few weeks, and then I'll be looking for other options - even just a medical billing or data entry position.  Just something that will keep me at a similar financial situation as to where I am now, but allow me to be at home with you.

I'm going to close for now, as I must finish up a few things before leaving work for the day.  But we're very excited to meet you, to see you, to get to know you - you have no idea...


Thursday, January 24, 2013

And I saw your face...

I finally saw your face for the first time yesterday.  It was amazing.  You finally look like a baby and not a peanut!!  And I saw your legs, and your arms... sleeping on your side, definitely like mommy & daddy.

And your heart was beating strong, I've seen it in the past but yesterday I got to hear your heart beat.  I was very close to losing it and crying but your daddy couldn't seem to hear it so I was trying to refrain so he too could enjoy in the sound.

You're getting bigger and bigger... and I can definitely feel that you're in there.  I'm not sure if what I feel are movements, or just gas / digestion.  But soon enough, I imagine I'll feel you move your arms and move your legs.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

1st Pregnancy Annoyance

I've read multiple articles and message boards about the annoying and sometimes rude things people say to you while you're pregnant.  How to respond, how to handle these messages, and what to anticipate that they'll say in the first place.  Well, being only 13 weeks pregnant, I haven't had too much of the opportunity to discuss said pregnancy with people, and therefore haven't given them the chance to say something that rubs me the wrong way.

Until today.

Back track - we went last night to a viewing for a very close friend of the family who had passed away.  It was one of the first times we (hubby & I) openly discussed the pregnancy with those around us.  Even complete strangers.  Today was the funeral, and at the wake thereafter, I was told twice:

"That baby is going to be so spoiled."

Why does this bother me so?  I mean, it probably is true.  This being our first child, and we want to be able to give him/her everything.  This will also be the first grandchild for all the grandparents, and in some instances the first great grand child.  All the cards line up to say that yes, this child may be spoiled.  But it irks me to hear someone say it to me.  Two different people at that.

Am I just being hormonal?  Perhaps.

Is it slightly inappropriate to presume and say to a pregnant woman?  Perhaps.

Regardless, yes - you probably will be spoiled baby Milam.  But I just don't want people to say so.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Things to eat once the baby is born

Coconut shrimp
Steamed shrimp
Steamed crabs...
Peanut butter & apricot jelly sandwich
Peanut M&M's

Instead of looking at this and saying "These are things I want but can't eat!", I'm trying to take the more optimistic road by saying "I look forward to eating these in July / August".

We've narrowed it down to two crib / dresser sets, in which our family has graciously offered to pay for.  This makes things tremendously easier on us - especially with our champagne tastes.  Our original plan was that we would buy the crib, dresser, and glider with a portion of our tax refund.  Well, with two of those three taken care of, the glider was the only thing left.  I've had a difficult time finding a glider on the babies 'r us website that didn't have several negative reviews claiming that "I'm really short and I can't rest my head on this!!! meh!!", so I expanded my search elsewhere.  I asked our neighbors who had a baby boy in May where their glider was from (I'd seen it before and knew it was the exact style and color I wanted), and they said Burlington Coat Factory.  Burlington Coat Factory of all places!!!  I've never shopped at this store in my life.  Long story short - after visiting one store then calling all over the state of Maryland, we finally found 1 store with 1 of this specific glider.  My husband went to pick it up, and while it was already a good price comparatively at $350 (included ottoman), the cashier gave him a 20% off coupon!  Yay us! :)  And with some tickets we've sold recently and a football pool my husband partakes in, our profits more than paid for the chair.

At this point, we're 12 weeks and 3 days and I'm starting to feel better for the most part in regards to nausea and food aversions.  I do still tire easily and it's difficult to get out of bed in the morning.  My body tends to ache which is inconvenient.  My belly is starting to get a little bigger.  Today my jeans are unbuttoned and held together with a hair tie.  They could be buttoned and be fine - but I have been more wary of tight pants recently.

Duncan went ahead and did the honors of providing the first scratch(es) on your brand new, gorgeous, expensive floors.  Blame him.