Friday, December 21, 2012

10 weeks and some change

I can't believe I've neglected this blog for so long... Well, I guess it doesn't surprise me too much.  This is what happened to my last blog.  All of 5 posts then POOF!  I vanished.  I've been having a hard time finding time to write a post, as the most convenient time for me is while I'm at work... But I've just been too busy recently.

I also haven't known what to write.  Yes I still don't feel well.  I'm exhausted all the time, and my stomach is temperamental.  My body aches, meanwhile I feel gross and enormous.

Next week is Christmas, and the plan is to tell our entire family then.  So far- just our parents know, and a few select friends.  Just like my outlook on pregnancy as a whole, I'm anxious, scared, nervous, unsure as to what to expect the response to be.

Cravings haven't been overwhelming... usually I'll just hear someone mention a food item of some sort and that'll spark my interest.  Cravings have been beef, macaroni & cheese, daiquiris (virgin of course), burgers...    I've been REALLY wanting sushi, or crab mac n' cheese, or anything with peanut butter, but alas - I have given all these things up in hopes of a healthy child.

Dear Baby,
       The floors were done in your room this past week.  You now have officially the nicest room in the house.  We laid a rug down in the center of the room to protect the wood floors, and it has quickly become Duncan's new favorite spot.  You'll love Dunc - he's so funny.  And I know he'll love you.

<3  Mom

Monday, November 26, 2012

Feeling Terrible

Shouldn't I be elated?

Shouldn't I be beaming and glowing with joy that I radiate happiness and feel fantastic?

Shouldn't I still feel like normal at this point?

To put it bluntly, I feel like crap!  I'm constantly hot, super smell sensitive.  Numerous food aversions, even talking / thinking about food makes me have a gag reflex.  I'm tired and my muscles feel like they've gone to mush.  My skin is oily and breaking out horribly.  And my stomach seems constantly nauseous.  Popsicles seem to be the only thing I can always eat safely.

This phase of life is supposed to be a glorious and beautiful thing.  And don't get me wrong - the being growing inside of me and baby to come is amazing and I am forever grateful for him / her.  But this pregnancy thing, kinda sucks.  I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel like this empowered woman with "look what I am creating!!".  I feel sick!  And fluffy!  And flat out ugly!


It will get better... it will get better... it will get better... It has to get better.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Morning Sickness

Yesterday I experienced my first occurrence of the infamous morning sickness.  We were on our way to the park with our dog, our typical Saturday / Sunday morning routine, and I was eating an apple for breakfast on the drive.  I thought it wouldn't be wise to wait to eat until 10 am like we normally do on weekends, so I thought I was doing good...

Three bites into the apple my stomach started to get a bit queasy.  I stopped eating.  Breathed deeply.  Tried to continue.  My husband (who thankfully was driving) asked if I was okay, and I said yes that my stomach was a bit upset.  I tried to eat a few more bites as I figured I was getting nausea due to taking my prenatals on an empty stomach.

Another bite in and I had to stop all together.

Me: "I may need you to pull over."
Hubby: "Really?  Okay well just let me kn..."
Me: "I need you to pull over."

Pull over.

I got sick on the side of the road on the way to the park.

Our dog cried in the backseat because I had delayed his trip to park.

5 weeks, 4 days in. First case of morning sickness.

I can't be too bothered by it - it means that things are working and normal, right?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

5 weeks 1 day

Dear baby Milam,

         To my little "sweet pea" or "orange seed" (I seem to be getting different answers as to how big you are now), I do not know any more eloquent of a way to put this - but you're making mommy gassy.  Painfully so.  I know this is just another pregnancy symptom that is a blessing because it means you're there, you're growing, and my body is working to encourage your development.  But it's not very pleasant to be cringing at work and accidentaly passing gas, hoping your coworkers didn't hear.

          On a sweeter note, I hope you can feel and enjoy daddy's good morning kisses as much as I do.  They make my heart melt :)


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

And God Smiled

We made a plan, to start trying in the middle of October.

God saw our plan and smiled, and blessed us with a baby.

Our first time trying, my husband and I successfully got pregnant.  I cannot express how elated and relieved I am that we did not have any issues getting pregnant.  At this point, I am 5 weeks, and am very very happy to say that Baby Milam is expected to be here around July 18, 2013.

I am already feeling the pregnancy symptoms - some soreness, my breasts feel a bit larger and sore.  There's a pressure in my lower abdomen, and I feel like my stomach is already larger.  Stomach gets a bit unhappy at times but no morning sickness yet.  I have cravings occasionally  but I believe they are normal fat kid cravings and cannot be attributed to the pregnancy. :)

According to The Bump, my baby is about the size of an apple seed at this point.  We have an appointment with my OB/GYN in 2 weeks, so hopefully we can get a good view of our little gift from heaven.  Also, twins seem to run in my husband's family, skipping generations, so we'll get to find out exactly how many Milams are in there!!

As mentioned in my last post, we had went away for a week and a half to Ireland and I knew my period was supposed to start then.  Knowing this, and thinking how fantastic it would be to tell my husband that we're pregnant at some poignant location in Ireland, I brought the pregnancy test with me.  My period should have started Monday, and hadn't started by Tuesday night.  Tuesday I felt a pressure in my stomach that I just attributed to eating too much (as one does on vacation) and tried not to get my hopes up.

Well Tuesday night into Wednesday morning I had a dream in which at one point a girlfriend of mine walked up to me and put her arm around me.  She turned to me and asked me "are you pregnant?".  I told her "no, but we're trying".  In which she replied, "I think you're pregnant, because you're getting fat".  Lovely sentiment, yes?  But I woke up Wednesday morning in our hotel with again, no period.  I felt the need to take the test but was nervous beyond belief.  What is there to be nervous about?  It would be fantastic if we were pregnant!  But why was I so scared to pee on a stick?  I stood in the bathroom debating, should I take it or no.  I paced, I debated, I tried to go back to bed.  What if my husband awoke and found out what I was doing?  Again - he would have been thrilled to find out that we were pregnant, but I didn't want him to find out that way.

I finally convinced myself to take the test.  I walked into the bathroom and picked up the bag in which the box of pregnancy tests were in - I heard my husband shuffle in bed, so I quickly dropped the box and peered out the door to see if he was waking up.  No?  Okay.
I go back to the bag, unzip the zipper.  Husband makes a noise.  I quickly zip the bag back up and peer out the door.  Still sleeping.
Repeat where I get the box out of the bag, shove it back in again when I think I hear him waking up.
I get the test in my hands and have to shove it all back in again when I think I hear him waking up...
needless to say this process took more than the 3 minutes they say it should.

I did my business on the stick as the instructions stated, sat it on the back of the toilet and started to count.  I could already see two lines.  I walked out of the bathroom to go change clothes and not torture myself watching a stick for 3 minutes.  After the time had elapsed, I went back in.  2 pink lines = pregnant.  Shock kicks in.

Unsure of what to do now knowing this boulder of information, I just got back in bed and snuggled up to my husband.  After he finally woke up and we laid there talking, I told him that I took the test.  "what did it say?"  I told him "it said we're pregnant". "REALLY?!?"  It wasn't the magical moment overlooking the Cliffs of Moher that I initially had planned, but it was perfect the way it was.

So to the apple-seed inside my belly, we're really really ecstatic that you're here.  And we pray that you're healthy and can't wait to see you in 2 weeks.  And boy oh boy will your grandparents be excited when we tell them on Thanksgiving about your existence.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Happy November

My husband and I are preparing to travel abroad, and according to my calendar, I a normally would have my period right smack in the middle of this trip.  Fabulous, no?

But that also means, I could determine that we're pregnant during this trip.

Fabulous, yes? :)

I'm trying not to get my hopes up.  It's very possible that our first try at attempting to get pregnant didn't work.  It normally takes a few months.  But I can't help but be excited at the possibility.  My husband and I had a realization the other night standing in the kitchen that our child could very well be growing inside of me right now.  He put his hand on my stomach and we looked at each other - it was surreal.  It's very feasible to think that we could be unknowingly 3 at this point (or 5 if you could our fur children).

I had another touching moment standing in the kitchen, washing dishes of all things.  I could see my husband interact with our dog through an opening over the sink.  The dog was sitting on a recliner, and my husband proceeded to wrap him up in a blanket, start rubbing his back and kissed his head.  It was a sweet moment that I do not believe my husband realized was on display and that I was attentively watching.  But I couldn't help but melt a bit when I saw it, thinking "I hope I'm pregnant.  I want to make him a father."

This will probably be my last post before I go on the trip.  Sooo by the next time I write, I very well could be considered a mommy-to-be!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Will I be able to do this?

I visited one of my girlfriends yesterday, who has three daughters.  All under the age of 4, with the youngest being 2 months old.  Obviously I've seen babies before, and I've held babies before, but it usually feels so awkward.  I think I know the proper way to hold a child, but it's just still so foreign to me.  I'm an only child, so I never had any younger siblings to help raise and get used to having a baby around, and with that I also do not have any nieces or nephews.  I wasn't too close to my younger cousins to be around them when they were babies and I never was a baby sitter.  I really have not had the opportunity to be around many babies in my time... will I know what to do?  Will it be less awkward?  I fear this more than childbirth...  not knowing what the hell to do.  I'm just praying that it's an instinct that kicks in and your brain goes into auto-drive.

And seriously, who can understand a 3 year old's ramblings??!?  I just stare at them blankly thinking "am I seriously supposed to understand what you just said?  is that even English?  have your parents been teaching you another language?  I bet that's it... a special alien language that no one is supposed to be able to understand.."  But I typically just lightly smile and say "... whaat?"

This is synopsis of one of our conversations yesterday:

child: "MUSTACHE!"
me: ".... who has a mustache?"
child: "_sister's name_!"
me: "your sister has a mustache?"
child: "APPLE!"
me: okay there are apples in front of you.... "do you want an apple?"
child: "CAT!!"
me: I have no fucking clue where this is going... ".... whaat?"
child: ::grins::
child's father: "rearrange the words for what she's trying to say."
me: does this child feed an apple to a cat, and celebrate by drawing a mustache on her sister? "......."
child's father: "Her and her sister have a cat and his name is mustache"
me: "Ohhhh..." where the hell does the apple come into play... 

I think I need to read more books... or take a course... I need... more... planning!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Pregnancy Test

Never in my life have I purchased a pregnancy test.  I have been fortunate enough to never have had a "scare" in the past that would warrant buying one.  I also have never went with someone for them to purchase a pregnancy test - the whole process was somewhat foreign.

But I, being of crazy and anxious mind, purchased a pregnancy test yesterday.


Of course, I did my research ahead of time on the different brands, how to read them, how they work.  And I purchased a 2 pack of First Response pregnancy tests from Target.  The kind that is supposed to tell you up to "6 days before your missed period".

It's surreal to think that I made this purchase.  I very well could be pregnant right now and not know it.  I hope that I am.

We're getting ready to leave for a week long vacation in which I initially thought that my period would start the day or day after we got back.  Well after counting how long my cycle was last month, my period, if it comes, should start right smack in the middle / beginning of the trip.  So I feasibly could go on this trip, and find out that I'm pregnant. (!!)




Still trying to get over that I bought a pregnancy test.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The evil green monster

I have a confession.  I have that evil green eyed monster showing through right now - Jealousy.

I feel horrible for having these feelings of jealousy, but I cannot deny that they are there.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe in the systematic order of things that you fall in love, you buy a house, you get married, you get a dog, then you have children.  The oldest children are the first to go through this process, followed by their younger siblings.

My husband and I were supposed to be the first on both sides of our families to have children.  I'm the oldest on my side of the family, and my husband is the 2nd oldest on his side, but we were the first ones to get married.  We're the first ones to have a home of our own.  We were established and according to our plans (I told you we're planners) - we were to be the first ones to have a child.  The one that would be ooo'ed and ahhh'ed over as the first child in many many years.

But then, God laughed.

My husband's younger cousin who had just started dating a guy for a few weeks got pregnant.  She was to have the first child.  With a guy she just met!  She doesn't have a career and still lives in her parent's basement!!  That's not a plan!  The planner in me goes nuts whenever I think about the situation.  This is fresh in my mind as she is now 9 months pregnant and her water broke this morning.  The first child on my husband's side of the family is on her way (and will be living in the grandparent's basement still).

I wish I wasn't jealous and angry over the situation.  A child is a blessing, and I'm happy that she gets to experience it.  But the jealous green monster in me takes over and thinks "that should have been my child", "i did so much work, so much planning...", "they aren't even prepared to have a child!", "will my child not be as fascinating to them since they already have a child in the family?".


I know it's horrible of me to be so jealous.  But I am.  I can't change it.

::jumps off soapbox::


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Prenatal Vitamins

To my future child,

          You may eventually learn that your mommy is not very good at swallowing pills.  I am fully aware that it is a mental thing, but for a very very long time I couldn't even swallow a small aspirin.  Your father laughs at me, and can swallow horse pills without any water whatsoever.

           You may remember my comment from yesterday about how mommy & daddy are uber-planners, yes?  Well keeping with this uber-planner mentality, I've been taking prenatal vitamins for about 5 months now.  I was taking a chewable prenatal from Target, but at my preconception check-up with the OBGYN, she prescribed that I take these:

These. Are. Huge.

The blue pill can be chewed, and while it's very chalky and reminds me of tums, it's not bad.  But the yellow pill must be swallowed.  That's the DHA supplement that is supposed to help you develop a healthy brain, eyes, and nervous & immune systems.  So -it's a big deal.

While I don't expect a medal or a card or anything like that for forcing myself to take these horse pills, I just want you to know how much I love you and want the best for you.  That mommy tells herself every morning when staring at this pill, that this isn't about her.  It's about you.



Monday, October 22, 2012

Making Milam

I don't know an eloquent way to say 'Welcome to my Blog' other than "Welcome to my Blog!"  I wanted to create a way to record my thoughts, feelings, and happenings of this life stage my husband and I are about to enter into :


We've been married for one year now, and had always planned on starting to try to conceive a child around our first wedding anniversary.  I wanted to create a diary for myself really, as I'm undecided if I'll ever share this with anyone I actually know.  But just a way to document the process of trying to conceive, finding out we're pregnant, being pregnant, and the entire process of welcoming a big-headed child into the world.  (If you knew my husband and myself - you would know this statement is going to be true.  The one time I'll thank God for me getting the large bone structure and wide set hips that is common in my mother's family.)

Right now we are in the phase of trying to conceive.  Technically, we started "trying" yesterday.  I've numerous books, been planning logistics for months, met with multiple doctors to make sure everything is a Go, made huge boards on Pinterest with baby stuff... Not that it makes you any more ready, but it's just how my hubby and I are.  We're planners.  We went to bridal shows before we were engaged.  We're planning our nursery before we're even pregnant.

I hope that we're able to conceive quickly, so the timing works with our plans (see above).  Granted, I've been told many a times that when you make a plan, God laughs at them, but I'm just hoping for us to not have to go through a long drawn out process.  I imagine it can be very draining on the couple and their relationship.  Amongst our friends who are parents, we've seen a wide spectrum of scenarios.  One couple tried for 3 years to get pregnant to no avail, and they had to seek medical assistance.  A few couples had a few miscarriages before successfully carrying a baby full term.  But then there are those that as soon as they started trying, they got pregnant.  Easy easy easy...  Hopefully we're one of those.

I've made several changes in my own routine to try and prepare, just the only thing I'm concerned of is my weight.  I lost weight for our wedding, then in the year after I gained a bit back (10 lbs), but am trying to get that back off.  At one of my preconception check-ups (yes, it's a thing), my OBGYN told me that I was technically obese and needed to loose a lot of weight before getting pregnant.  I've been trying but due to an injury I haven't been able to work out as much.  And for some reason I have this "eat everything you can now before you're pregnant" mentality, making it even harder to loose.

So I apologize in advance for the scattered thoughts if anyone other than myself reads this, it's the most significant thing I've done in my life and frankly I'm scared out of my mind.  But here's to praying for a successful, healthy pregnancy...