First orioles game

Today was your first orioles game, and it went so very well! You seemed to enjoy yourself.  You didn't freak out at the sudden loud noises, nor the oriole bird.

I hope you learn to love baseball as much as your daddy and I do. I have many fond memories of my dad taking me to games and teaching me about the sport.  

Staring

I could literally sit here and stare at your face for hours... I don't know if you will ever understand how beautiful you are and how perfect you are.  I don't know if you'll comprehend it until you have a child of your own.  The love between a parent and child is unlike anything I've ever known. 

Snuggles

Ah my darling child, how difficult it is to get you to sleep... We find ourselves in this position several times a day. Sometimes several times for just one nap. And while I'm exhausted and sometimes a bit frustrated, I admittedly enjoy the snuggles. Because I know there will be a day where you won't want to lay in my lap, or will be "too cool" to show love to your mother. 

You won't remember moments like these, but I always will. 

Sleep Training

This was supposed to post on April 25 and didn't for some reason ... So ignore the date.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do...  

Sitting here looking at the monitor with you laying in your crib, screaming. 

Now before you call me a horrible mother (which you may still after reading this), let me explain.  You are not a sleeper.  Well, youre a sleep-on-mommy-and-only-mommy sleeper.  You have learned over time the only way to fall a sleep is on me. 

Naps? Have to fall asleep on me.

Bedtime? Have to fall asleep on me.

Wake up at 11:30 pm? And 1:00 am? And 3:00 am? And 5:00 am? Have to fall back asleep on me...

You have slept through the night on several occasions.  There was a whole month when you were around 3 months old that you slept all night every night. But ever since then it's been an oddity. On a normal night, you wake up twice. On a good night? You wake up once or sleep all night (happens maybe once very few weeks). Bad night? 4 or 5 times up.  Or only 2 - 3 but you stay up for an hour one of those times.  Typically you fall asleep around 8:30 pm and wake up between 7 - 8 am.

This also makes naps short and difficult. There was a time when I could only lay you down for a nap for 10 minutes or so before you'd wake up.  Currently - your morning nap will last between an hour and an hour and a half. Usually you wake up part of the way through and require me to get you back to sleep. Afternoon naps average 30-45 minutes. 

Needless to say - you should be sleeping more. And you should be sleeping through the night and putting yourself to sleep. 

I know this is my fault.  When you were younger, you'd fall asleep while nursing.  And I thought you were still genuinely eating, so I'd let you stay latched on. Hence the days of 6+ hours of nursing and no pacifiers.  Eventually I learned to recognize when you were no longer eating and just comfort sucking, and would put a paci in your mouth.

Sir Duncan Moose Milam of Biggs

Your father made a comment a few nights ago that made me think - "Duncan is such an awesome dog...".  Which - he is! That's nothing new.  But I couldn't help but think over and over again how I hope you know how truly awesome he is.  See, Duncan is 4.5 years old now, and I'm not sure at what age you truly appreciate a pet. (Not to be Debbie Downer but boxers usually only live until the age of 10 - I hope the measures we have taken to keep Duncan healthy allow him to be with us longer than that. But also being realistic).  So I wanted to share a brief background on the awesomeness that is your puppy, Duncan.

Before we ever got Duncan, I had a love for boxers.  Your great grandparents (Grammie and pop pop) had bred boxers from before I was born until I was probably 12 or so.  So oftentimes when I wernt to their house, there would be a litter of puppies.  And boxer litters tend to be big - 8 to 10 puppies per litter.  I would love playing with them and getting into the middle of the whelping box at night (that's how I came to fall in love with my first boxer - Maxine.  I quietly got into the box one night while they were all sleeping and max woke up, walked over to me, got in my lap and fell back asleep. (D'AWWWWw).  There are even pictures of me as an infant laying next to a boxer (boxers are notoriously good with kids), but needless to say I've always been around boxers. 

So when mommy and daddy finally decided to get a dog, I of course leaned towards boxer.  Your father had only had a pug his whole life (pooby), but wanting a larger dog for security was leaning towards lab.  I don't recall how we came to this but we compromised deciding that I picked the breed, but daddy picked the pup.  Maybe it had to do with Grammie and pop pop offering to buy us our first dog (if it was a boxer).  

We decided to start looking for a dog, the same day we learned of Duncan.  Your father and I were at Grammie and pop pops house when they got a call from a neighbor who was commenting how their children just bought a boxer puppy and that there was one other male left in the litter.  We weren't actively looking for a dog yet, but over hearing the conversation- we asked for the breeders information so we could find out more about this puppy.  We quickly (like within hours) got in touch with Kim and Ken Thorpe and received an email of the only male left in their litter.  This was one of a few pictures that I first saw (of and when I fell in love with) the dog they named Moose.

Seriously...

How cute is he?! I am a firm believer that boxers are the cutest puppies out there.  But we fell in love and quickly decided that we were ready for a dog.  We arranged for a meeting a week or two after seeing this first picture.  We drove up to a little town in Pennsylvania and met the Thorpe family (Ken & Kim). We walked in and Ken brought Duncan (then called Moose) upstairs to meet us. Due to the long drive, your father immediately went to use the restroom. I sat in the living room and played with a toy rope with Duncan and knew immediately he was our dog. Your father came out of the bathroom and said "we are taking him home, aren't we?" I smiled in confirmation.  And he told Ken only after a few minutes "well, I'm not going to waste any more of your time - we want the dog." We ran to the ATM and (eventually) got the cash out, came back, filled out some papers and were on our way. Daddy drove while I held Duncan in the passenger seat. Duncan fell asleep with his head in daddy's hand... Daddy's boy from the start.

Let's see ... What else can I tell you about Duncan... 

He LoVES peanut butter. And watermelon. But especially peanut butter... We keep our close to empty jars for him to lick clean :

He wears an orange hoodie sweatshirt when it's cold out. His fur is short so e can get cold easily.  It's a hoodie because that's what we love to wear, and orange because that's our favorite color.  I had to buy him an extra large so it would fit his chest but then hem it so he wouldn't pee on it.. We have better pictures somewhere of it- but this is the best one on my phone:

Poor dog...

What else... There is a lazy boy recliner in our living room that has become known as Duncan's chair . It's next to a window that overlooks the street and driveway so he can watch over the neighborhood and see when someone comes home. 

His birthday is July 18- which was your original due date. We joke about how we couldn't have two kids with the same birthday. 

Most importantly, you should know that Duncan looooves you. He is always so interested in you and likes to lay near where you are- make sure you're safe. Although he licks you more than id like- he is extremely good with you.

Well this post got a little photo happy. So I'm going to close. Duncan is an awesome awesome dog - and I hope you get many years of him in your life.

The First Time He Said "I love you"

I was thinking this morning about the very first time your father told me that he loved  me.  How special and profound of a moment that was in our lives.  I'm sure that this will be a story I tell you over and over until you're sick of it - but just in case something was to happen to me, I wanted you to know it.

We were laying in bed in our old apartment (well it was my apartment... Your father just kept staying the night more and more and showing up with stuff until I asked if he wanted to start paying rent).  I was laying with my head on his chest and his left arm around my body.  We were supposed to be trying to fall asleep, but we'd rather spend the time talking to each other.  Anyways, we were at a break in the conversation and we were both quiet.  I assumed he was getting ready to fall asleep.  Until I could hear his heart start to race and his breathing deepen.  I could tell he was stressed and felt like he was about to say something important (either an 'I love you' or 'let's break up'). After some more silence, your father quietly stated "I love you". ::heart melt:: I smiled (which he couldn't see since it was dark, and told him that I loved him. It was a feeling that I too knew to be true, but hasn't vervalized yet. With a deep sigh of relief from your father, he then repeated "I love you,  I love you, I love you, I love you..." and gave me a squeeze. It just felt so good to finally get out that it deemed repeating. 

So, I love you... I love you... I love you... I love you.

And Happy First Saint Patricks day!

Your Grandfather

 Your grandfather passed away today.  Your fathers father- Wayne Milam.  He passed out while driving with your aunt Chrissie, and crashed into a fence.  The accident itself did them no harm, but apparently his heart was so damaged he could not be kept alive.

I've been trying to decide on what I would write in this post, summarizing a life in a few paragraphs, and I realize how little I knew about him. So I apologize if the brevity of this post doesn't do him justice.  And if some of the points are construed as negative, I'm just sharing the whole story with you and trying to show his "quirks".

Your grandfather served in the army and did a tour in Korea around the time your aunt Chrissie was born.  He actually didn't meet Chrissie until she was about 9 months old.  While in the military he worked as an MP (military police) and worked with the K-9 unit.  This is where he says he became a dog person and became a (self proclaimed) expert trainer.

He was a part of paternal twins.  His twin brother was Paul who passed away about 3 years ago. He and his brother were VERY close and lived together for many years.  Paul is a whole other story to be told another day... He also had two sisters. 

But your grandfather believed that twins skip a generation and he believed (so badly wanted) that you could be twins.  Obviously, that didn't happen.  He also was certain that you were a boy, and he admitted to wanting you to be a boy.  (Wrong again). Don't get me wrong, He was thrilled to have you here, and loved that you were a girl, but I don't believe it was but a few weeks after your birth and he was asking about "when we were going to start trying for a boy".

Your grandfather was stubborn. If he believed something to be true, no one else could tell him otherwise or even think  something differently.  He got snippy with your aunt Chrissie in regards to a bundt cake- telling her that "bundt" was in fact the flavor of the cake, not the shape in which it's baked.  Of course, your aunt is an avid baker like myself and knows that to be hogwash (although I think you don't even have to be a big baker to know that...) 

He was also convinced that other than myself and your father, that he was the next closest in DNA to you.  Science would prove the correct answer to this to be your aunt Chrissie.

He was a real homer when it came to sports. Loved the Ravens and Orioles.  He would often times come to our house to watch games.

When he would describe a food, often times speaking of what he'd bring to our house as contribution towards dinner or our cookout, he'd be very descriptive.  Chicken breast was "fresh plump grade a breast".  Fish was "thick wild Alaskan tuna steaks".  Humorous trait, almost as if he was reading it from the store ad.

He loved fishing and often spoke of how anxious he was to teach you in the future. I don't know the last time he wet fishing with his hips (had them replaced). 

One thing he wanted more than anything was a normal home life. He wanted the wife who would make dinner for the family, and sit around together at the table and eat.  With your grandmother, when he was married to her, she rarely cooked.  Instead every night she took the brood over to mamaw and papaws house for dinner (that mamaw made) and ate with a huge group of people.  Your grandfather wanted nothing more then to sit at his table with his family and just be normal.  That's one reason why he was so fond of me- I am giving your father the life he wanted.  Homemade dinners, I bake, we eat together... Etc.

I have very few pictures of him where he is smiling.  We joke saying that it's the Milam face to look so serious, but he often times was uncomfortable due to his  hips.  I truly don't know if I have any picture of you and him together, which upsets me.  But here is a photo from our wedding, the only one he smiled in and one of my favorites ever of him:

One thing is for sure- he loved you.  He thought you were just the most amazing thing to have happened since your daddy and aunt Chrissie were born.  He loved your smile, he would exclaim how advanced you were, how beautiful you are, and was convinced that you were showing signs of being left handed. 

Rest in peace, dad.