Will I be able to do this?

I visited one of my girlfriends yesterday, who has three daughters.  All under the age of 4, with the youngest being 2 months old.  Obviously I've seen babies before, and I've held babies before, but it usually feels so awkward.  I think I know the proper way to hold a child, but it's just still so foreign to me.  I'm an only child, so I never had any younger siblings to help raise and get used to having a baby around, and with that I also do not have any nieces or nephews.  I wasn't too close to my younger cousins to be around them when they were babies and I never was a baby sitter.  I really have not had the opportunity to be around many babies in my time... will I know what to do?  Will it be less awkward?  I fear this more than childbirth...  not knowing what the hell to do.  I'm just praying that it's an instinct that kicks in and your brain goes into auto-drive.

And seriously, who can understand a 3 year old's ramblings??!?  I just stare at them blankly thinking "am I seriously supposed to understand what you just said?  is that even English?  have your parents been teaching you another language?  I bet that's it... a special alien language that no one is supposed to be able to understand.."  But I typically just lightly smile and say "... whaat?"

This is synopsis of one of our conversations yesterday:

child: "MUSTACHE!"

me: ".... who has a mustache?"

child: "_sister's name_!"

me: "your sister has a mustache?"

child: "APPLE!"

me: okay there are apples in front of you.... "do you want an apple?"

child: "CAT!!"

me: I have no fucking clue where this is going... ".... whaat?"

child: ::grins::

child's father: "rearrange the words for what she's trying to say."

me: does this child feed an apple to a cat, and celebrate by drawing a mustache on her sister? "......."

child's father: "Her and her sister have a cat and his name is mustache"

me: "Ohhhh..." where the hell does the apple come into play... 

I think I need to read more books... or take a course... I need... more... planning!

Pregnancy Test

Never in my life have I purchased a pregnancy test.  I have been fortunate enough to never have had a "scare" in the past that would warrant buying one.  I also have never went with someone for them to purchase a pregnancy test - the whole process was somewhat foreign.

But I, being of crazy and anxious mind, purchased a pregnancy test yesterday.

Crazy...

Of course, I did my research ahead of time on the different brands, how to read them, how they work.  And I purchased a 2 pack of First Response pregnancy tests from Target.  The kind that is supposed to tell you up to "6 days before your missed period".

It's surreal to think that I made this purchase.  I very well could be pregnant right now and not know it.  I hope that I am.

We're getting ready to leave for a week long vacation in which I initially thought that my period would start the day or day after we got back.  Well after counting how long my cycle was last month, my period, if it comes, should start right smack in the middle / beginning of the trip.  So I feasibly could go on this trip, and find out that I'm pregnant. (!!)

Anxious.

Distracted.

Hopeful.

Still trying to get over that I bought a pregnancy test.

The evil green monster

I have a confession.  I have that evil green eyed monster showing through right now - Jealousy.

I feel horrible for having these feelings of jealousy, but I cannot deny that they are there.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe in the systematic order of things that you fall in love, you buy a house, you get married, you get a dog, then you have children.  The oldest children are the first to go through this process, followed by their younger siblings.

My husband and I were supposed to be the first on both sides of our families to have children.  I'm the oldest on my side of the family, and my husband is the 2nd oldest on his side, but we were the first ones to get married.  We're the first ones to have a home of our own.  We were established and according to our plans (I told you we're planners) - we were to be the first ones to have a child.  The one that would be ooo'ed and ahhh'ed over as the first child in many many years.

But then, God laughed.

My husband's younger cousin who had just started dating a guy for a few weeks got pregnant.  She was to have the first child.  With a guy she just met!  She doesn't have a career and still lives in her parent's basement!!  That's not a plan!  The planner in me goes nuts whenever I think about the situation.  This is fresh in my mind as she is now 9 months pregnant and her water broke this morning.  The first child on my husband's side of the family is on her way (and will be living in the grandparent's basement still).

I wish I wasn't jealous and angry over the situation.  A child is a blessing, and I'm happy that she gets to experience it.  But the jealous green monster in me takes over and thinks "that should have been my child", "i did so much work, so much planning...", "they aren't even prepared to have a child!", "will my child not be as fascinating to them since they already have a child in the family?".

Ugh...

I know it's horrible of me to be so jealous.  But I am.  I can't change it.

::jumps off soapbox::

//rant

Prenatal Vitamins

To my future child,

          You may eventually learn that your mommy is not very good at swallowing pills.  I am fully aware that it is a mental thing, but for a very very long time I couldn't even swallow a small aspirin.  Your father laughs at me, and can swallow horse pills without any water whatsoever.

           You may remember my comment from yesterday about how mommy & daddy are uber-planners, yes?  Well keeping with this uber-planner mentality, I've been taking prenatal vitamins for about 5 months now.  I was taking a chewable prenatal from Target, but at my preconception check-up with the OBGYN, she prescribed that I take these:

These. Are. Huge.

The blue pill can be chewed, and while it's very chalky and reminds me of tums, it's not bad.  But the yellow pill must be swallowed.  That's the DHA supplement that is supposed to help you develop a healthy brain, eyes, and nervous & immune systems.  So -it's a big deal.

While I don't expect a medal or a card or anything like that for forcing myself to take these horse pills, I just want you to know how much I love you and want the best for you.  That mommy tells herself every morning when staring at this pill, that this isn't about her.  It's about you.

Love,

Mommy

Making Milam

I don't know an eloquent way to say 'Welcome to my Blog' other than "Welcome to my Blog!"  I wanted to create a way to record my thoughts, feelings, and happenings of this life stage my husband and I are about to enter into :

Pregnancy.

We've been married for one year now, and had always planned on starting to try to conceive a child around our first wedding anniversary.  I wanted to create a diary for myself really, as I'm undecided if I'll ever share this with anyone I actually know.  But just a way to document the process of trying to conceive, finding out we're pregnant, being pregnant, and the entire process of welcoming a big-headed child into the world.  (If you knew my husband and myself - you would know this statement is going to be true.  The one time I'll thank God for me getting the large bone structure and wide set hips that is common in my mother's family.)

Right now we are in the phase of trying to conceive.  Technically, we started "trying" yesterday.  I've numerous books, been planning logistics for months, met with multiple doctors to make sure everything is a Go, made huge boards on Pinterest with baby stuff... Not that it makes you any more ready, but it's just how my hubby and I are.  We're planners.  We went to bridal shows before we were engaged.  We're planning our nursery before we're even pregnant.

I hope that we're able to conceive quickly, so the timing works with our plans (see above).  Granted, I've been told many a times that when you make a plan, God laughs at them, but I'm just hoping for us to not have to go through a long drawn out process.  I imagine it can be very draining on the couple and their relationship.  Amongst our friends who are parents, we've seen a wide spectrum of scenarios.  One couple tried for 3 years to get pregnant to no avail, and they had to seek medical assistance.  A few couples had a few miscarriages before successfully carrying a baby full term.  But then there are those that as soon as they started trying, they got pregnant.  Easy easy easy...  Hopefully we're one of those.

I've made several changes in my own routine to try and prepare, just the only thing I'm concerned of is my weight.  I lost weight for our wedding, then in the year after I gained a bit back (10 lbs), but am trying to get that back off.  At one of my preconception check-ups (yes, it's a thing), my OBGYN told me that I was technically obese and needed to loose a lot of weight before getting pregnant.  I've been trying but due to an injury I haven't been able to work out as much.  And for some reason I have this "eat everything you can now before you're pregnant" mentality, making it even harder to loose.

So I apologize in advance for the scattered thoughts if anyone other than myself reads this, it's the most significant thing I've done in my life and frankly I'm scared out of my mind.  But here's to praying for a successful, healthy pregnancy...